PLEASE READ IM IN NEED OF DESPERATE HELP.
For context: I ended eighth grade about a month ago and am in the midst of summer break.
Also I live in Florida and for my dad’s work, him, my mom, and I traveled to Paris for one month. I stay in a small air bnb room with my guitar, phone, a book, and a tv. Most days me and my mom go out and do tourist things while my dad has to work.
Before eighth grade ended, I decided I would use this summer break to recollect myself. Like take the annoying bits and pieces about myself and compress them and become a pretty chill person to be around. I wanted to enter high school with a good impression because I had a fresh slate. Here is what I wrote in my journal-
All this time alone is making me go seriously insane. I’m just now realizing the depths of it. I used to be excited to go on trips, and call my friends, and eat with my family but now, it’s like every second I’m in my head, narrating what I should do next. Should I say X sentence? Should I act like I don’t care? Should I spend another 5 hours scrolling mindlessly on my phone? Maybe my phone’s is what is causing all this. But if I don’t scroll I’ll get bored, and then I’ll end up with more time inside my head, and that’s what’s making me feel crazy. I just want to be able to enjoy life again without thinking about these things all the time. I miss it so much. Maybe once I come back home it will be different. I can’t tell if it was like this before I left or not. I just hate this so much. I feel like I’m in a prison because I only talk to two of my friends over the phone, and I stare at myself through the FaceTime square, and then I end up inside my head again. I’ll go bike riding with my family, and I’ll be inside my head thinking about how I should act. I’ll be reading something at the museum and thinking about how I’m standing. And the days we don’t go vacationing outside, I’m sitting on this pull out couch for 24 hours with only my phone, my guitar, and a book. I always end up drifting back to my phone and I think it definitely isn’t helping with my mental state. I tried reading my book, but I found myself SO distracted and my eyes couldn’t stay on the words. I couldn’t fucking read a book. That’s probably from my phone too. Peeling away my attention span. I feel like I’m falling apart. I miss when life felt like life. Should a 14 year old be going through this? Somebody please help me.
Some days are good but then I just drown right back into the mental state where I can’t stop thinking about EVERY move I make and how people and thinking of me.