In about 6 months I (21F) will have been dealing on and off (mostly on) with suicidal thoughts for 10 years.
There's been so many times where I thought to myself, surely this will be over by then. But year after year I'm still struggling. I hate my life, I don't do anything and I feel like I don't know how to anymore. I've tried so so many different anti-depressants, therapy, TMS treatments, and years later I feel like I have nothing to show for it. I've wasted so many years of my life being miserable that I'll never get back and I don't know how many more I'll waste.
Despite the whole depression and wanting to die thing, I'm a naturally very optimistic and idealistic person. Deep down I always felt like things would eventually work out.
But this is the first time where I just don't have that optimism anymore. I've promised the people in my life that I won't be dying by my own hands. I love those people and they somehow love me. So I really plan to keep that promise. But now it feels like I've been doomed to live a nightmare for the rest of my life. I'm so tired of it. I hate it and it feels like there's nothing I can do except try and fail at the same things over and over again.
It was like 30 minute ago when I realized it had been almost 10 years. I also realized that if I would have known it would've taken so long, I would've offed myself when I was still a child.
idk why I'm writing this out. I guess I just want to know if anyone else has had to deal with this for like 10 years or had to deal with depression from a young age. or just some general support.