i know something’s wrong with me and the way i think, i feel too disconnected from the world to care for anything or maintain any of my relationships. i hurt people i love but i don’t care enough to do anything about it. i was confronted recently, for the nth time, over how my actions (or rather, lack thereof) is hurting my best friend. i think i’m stable enough mentally? even if some things may interfere with my daily life, i can still navigate okay-ish?? but i’m hurting those i love so i might be wrong.
i am now thinking of seeking help. i’m wondering if i should seek help to find out what’s wrong with me to fix it, but i’m afraid a diagnosis could give me a disadvantage in anything? like, if it could ruin chances of getting a job or something? i know that sounds dumb and selfish but the idea that some diagnosis is gonna be etched onto my record worries me and how people will interact with me in the future in a personal or business setting. i think about how much money could be wasted just to put a label on a silly feeling i have, is it worth it?
my best friend wants me to be better, and i can’t deny that i should definitely be putting in the work to do so. i feel bad for hurting him, but is professional health reaaaally worth seeking? i don’t have the motivation to help myself.
i’m worried about how my parents will view me too, suddenly bringing up that something’s wrong with me. i want to be independent for university but they may decide otherwise. idk where i’m going with this now, i’m lost. i just don’t know what to do 🙁