TL;DR: Basically what the title says. Hadn’t ever felt empathy/compassion in my life. Constant low mood and irritability with others, no drive for emotional intimacy.
OK, I (16F) will try to sum this up without leaving anything out. The reason why I hopped on here to ask this question is because I recently got drunk for the first time and my friends told me that the things I was saying were creeping them out and that I should get some help. I got wrecked, so I don’t remember what I said, but they told me that I was basically saying that disabled people shouldn’t live. Then they went on to act shocked when I told them that I stand by what I said when I was drunk.
It doesn’t make sense to me that they were shocked, as if what I was saying wasn’t the truth. Look, I’m not going to go on a killing spree in an attempt to wipe out every disabled person off of this planet, they don’t personally offend me or anything, but if I had the choice to choose whether they should exist or not, I would choose that they don’t exist. That’s only logical, I don’t understand how anyone can argue against that.
Still, my friends insisted that “they have families” and all that jazz, as if they failed to realize that deep down, the families feel burdened by the existence of their disabled relative(s). I understand that with strangers, one would have to take a diplomatic approach and say “Oh, obviously no one should stop existing, regardless of whether they are disabled or not. They still can live a fulfilling, joyful life.”, but those were my *friends.* Why would they be bullshiting me with the diplomatic answer? They know I wouldn’t judge them.
Well, anyways, they told me that I am cruel, and that they didn’t expect that from me. I was genuinely confused as to why they were reacting like that.
They told me I should go see a psychologist. Obviously not going to do that. I am not going to pay money for someone to get in my head. I had been to a psychologist when I was 13 years old, after my brother died. My mother FORCED me to get into therapy for not mourning my brother. I don’t know how she clocked it, because I even shed a few crocodile tears on his funeral. They were crocodile tears, because I have problems with crying in general. I just don’t do it, because it doesn’t feel neccessary. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone. I heard it’s a sign of anxiety or depression, when a person is unable to cry.
I thought the psychologist was going to feel bad for me, I even told her about how my mother beat me, but she just said that my “mother has a lot on her plate”. OK? Does that mean she’s allowed to hit me? No, it doesn’t.
Mother told me that the psychologist told her that it’s normal to be detached after the death of a close person, but that I didn’t show any signs of mourning whatsoever.
The mental health services in my country (Slovakia) suck.
She also gave me some stupid form with questions like “I get sad more than my peers” or “I like hurting animals” or “Leaving the house feels like a chore”. Obviously, all questions pointing to depression/anxiety yet again, so I figured that she too thinks I am depressed.
ANYWAYS. I feel like I am just writing too much… But I did some research of my own, because not going to lie to you, I got scared as fuck by their reactions. I was scared that they were going to go around telling people that I am evil just based on a misunderstanding. Because they genuinely treated me as if I was evil or something, lol. They aren’t even chronically online or anything, but they do the whole “everyone is beautiful” shit, so basically they are a little too much sensitive.
Based on my symptoms that my friends called “unusual”, I figured I probably have depression or anxiety. I literally check nearly all the boxes, I can’t feel empathy/compassion, I get irritated with others, I have low mood, I don’t have anything that “fulfills” me, I haven’t ever felt fondness in a person, let alone infatuation, I don’t crave intimacy, and I’m skinny, because I don’t eat much – I just forget to eat and drink, even for a whole day.
I also have “mydriasis”, which is just constantly dilated pupils. This has been pointed out to me by others my whole life, I didn’t know of it, but it’s so bad that some people genuinely believed that my eyes were pitch black, even though my eyes are light green, because they couldn’t see my iris under my pupils. I heard that is a big sign of anxiety disorder.
I could probably have like anxiety disorder with avoidant attachment, because I in general just can’t stand people, let alone date them, lol.