I don't feel important or irrelevant to people. Is that a bad thing? I feel like I don't have a life of my own, so I don't feel as important as others. I have friends, but none of them really go out of their way to talk to me because of how busy they are or how uninterested they are in me. So, I feel lonely. And that makes me want to be something more than just a floating friend. But all I have to offer myself is procrastination and the lack of motivation to actually do something about it. Like, it's so pathetic.
It's so pathetic that I feel sorry for myself because of how desperate I want to be in other people's lives to feel important and love others when I can't even love myself because I'm actually not important.
I feel like I've finally given up. I knew who I wanted to be and how I wanted to live, but life keeps throwing shit in my direction, and it's making me go crazy. I just can't handle it anymore, but I don't really have any options. Suicide or running away is out of the question; I wouldn't know where to go, and killing myself isn't something I can handle thinking about any longer. So, what can I do? Everything that was supposed to help heal me absolutely ruined everything. Going to the hospital and admitting trauma made my family go batshit crazy. Taking medicine and talking to professionals made me feel disgusted and, overall, lost trust in everybody. Instead of being able to love everybody, I learned to hate everybody. You know how much energy it takes to hate someone? And let alone everyone in the fucking world? It's fucking awful. And the worst of it all is that I'm really not sure what I'm actually thinking. If it's me vs. me or me vs. the world, It's so annoying.
I just don't want to be here anymore.
