I used to feel like I had a great life and I was happy all of the time. Then the job struggles started. I left a job I loved in pursuit of healthcare and money to level up in life. First job I moved into was a 25k increase and then half the team quit my first day :/ I got no training and was expected to function well and knew it was headed south so I decided to quit and find something else. I found something else and that job was even worse but still great money. Had to also leave that company because people quit and I was expected to absorb their work with no pay increase or additional help. Neither of these were agency jobs either. So I went onto working 5 jobs where I thought I’d be able to survive but no body pays enough for you to live in the US. You have to work a shot corporate job to make money and have healthcare in this country and even that sucks. I got promoted at a part time job and I’m taking the money because I’m desperate but I’ve never wanted to leave this earth more in my entire life. I have death fantasies pretty much all day everyday since I’ve had to navigate all of those jobs and even starting this one I’ll basically never have a weekend off and that’s even more depressing because I barely see friends family or my boyfriend. I’m working hard towards a life with him but he doesn’t know what he wants out of life and has zero direction. He just works and is fine with that way of life but I just wanted so much more out of life.
To see each other maybe once a week and we’re just tired and don’t really go on dates is sad too. I just don’t have money or time to enjoy my life. I have 25k in student loans and meanwhile most people my age are just given down payments for houses by their parents and just get handed jobs by their parents. While I work my fucking ass off and yeah just the weight of it all, I fantasize about death and just disappearing so I don’t have to feel this way anymore.
I always thought maybe I’d be the one to create the life that God has had given me visions of but now I wonder if there even is a God. Guess I’m just not gods favorite”.
I always thought luck favored those who knew exactly what they wanted. I used to believe I deserved more and I used to believe there was a way out but I just feel like all I do is exist to work and I want to die because this isn’t living. Everyday I wake up I’m mad exhausted lonely and sad.
I know comparison is the thief of joy but my friends can just afford things like my roommate getting her first place with help from her parents, got handed a shiny new car when she didn’t even have a license in school when we were teens, just always gets her needs met without ever making a decision or really trying. And all I do is support myself, work, and think critically to the point where I’m chronically stressed.
I just don’t see a way out and the world just doesn’t feel friendly anymore. I want out. Can anyone relate or give me some hope?