Hey there…
I don’t know if this is the right place for this but here i go.
(TW: dysphoria, depression, suicide)
So to go straight to the point, I think I am trans.
It’s just the fact that I’m not sure that this is a real thought is killing me.
I’m worried that I just think this because I’m depressed and lonely, and see others like trans gals and guys happy, so because of that might be making myself think of being it too.
I’ve never shown signs of it during childhood, just these past few years. Ever since I was 16 I just started to look at myself disappointed, mainly at who I am and my body especially. It was just body dysphoria at first… you know the “normal” teenage insecurities. But these slowly started to focus into my gender. I’ve never seen myself as masculine at all, and (besides when the gender dysphoria got to me) neither feminine really. But especially these past few months have been hard.
I just feel empty, I look at others and am jealous of their happiness. When I see women and trans-women I feel even more jealousy towards them.
All this is actually making my head hurt. I’m worried that If I am trans I will be shunned. I have a good life, I’m in college, I have friends, I love my family. But I don’t feel happy at all with myself.
If I look at myself, I just hate everything. My face, my hair, my voice, my chest, all that goddamn body hair I have… I just can’t anymore. It’s gotten so bad I’m actually having thoughts about just ending it, and I’ve already cut myself on purpose to make the pain in my head just move elsewhere for just a bit.
I can’t even explain all of it, it’s just so much. I have no problem with it if I turn out to be trans. I’m just worried that I’m thinking it because it’s a “trend”, that it’s too late to discover this about myself. I don’t know if I feel like I’m born in the wrong body, or grew up into the wrong one…
Sorry if I’m stupid and just looking for attention, I just need to get this out somewhere.