Hi. This is my first post here. I, 28F, have been given a long list of diagnoses over the last 20 years. I struggled severely with anxiety from the time I was a toddler. From there, I went through countless emotional traumas as well as physical/medical traumas of all kinds from the ages of 5-22, many with permanent impacts for the rest of my life. I have been seeing psychiatrists and psychotherapists for over 10 years, and I’ve tried damn near everything. Went through all the SSRI’s , moved on to SNRI’s which are no longer responding. Spent years on heavy doses of klonopin which helped the anxiety, panic attacks, constant rumination, etc however I became highly dependent and didn’t want to remain on benzos long term. I did okay after coming off of them, but a few years ago things started getting worse and worse for me. My symptoms are debilitating. Crying spells, panic attacks, thoughts of death, wishing I didn’t exist. I’m so insanely sensitive to anything people say or do near me or towards me. I find the worst in every scenario. This last year, I overhauled my mental health team for better (and more expensive) treatment, including a total overhead of all medications and a third orthopedic surgery to help with physical pain. I had to go back to the surgeon today, and it looks like I’ll be needing a fourth with no end in sight, all because some idiot hit me with their car. And some days I do feel like I’m making improvements, until one small comment someone may make or some difficult news at a doctor appointment and I completely regress. I feel hopeless. I used to be a straight A student, an athlete, a friend, a family member, and I feel like all I am not is a shell of a person. I can barely keep my work from home job. I’ve tried and fought and pushed and I feel like my misery will never end. I’m losing the drive to keep trying. What the hell can I do to help myself over come this? Will I be this way forever?
