hi, i just got out of an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship with a narcissist (or someone that has lots of tendencies.) he actually left me, and now it’s really hard for me to move on because i’ve just been so brainwashed to wait for him.
we were long distance at first and then met up together, lived together for a year, and he moved back to where he’s from and he’s been there about a year. but we were trying to make it work long distance (or so i thought) until he ended it in late march of this year.
he has broken up with me many times and then eventually come back, so it’s hard to know if this is a “real one” or not.
i supported him financially when he came to live with me (he bought the train ticket without really giving me a choice after selling his car that he was living in while homeless and on meth after i told him i wasn’t ready to meet up yet, i wanted to be a better version of myself) but he came and i of course took him in and paid for us to stay in hotels because my parents weren’t comfortable with him being in the home. later in the relationship he ridiculed me about what i spent my money on and how much i spent on “hotel hopping” even though HE forced himself into my life. i loved him i wanted to meet him but it’s just interesting how he came at his lowest and when i was doing great financially.
when he went back home he went into rehab and eventually a sober living home where he is now sober. i paid for his first few months rent, i bought him a scooter to get to and from work, i sent him money for anything he needed while he was getting better. now that he’s sober he’s broken it off with me. and i can’t help but think it’s because he thinks he’s too good for me now.. i struggle w/ bpd and depression and i am sometimes real low functioning, like where it’s hard to take care of myself. i told him this before he came and once we met up he would make me feel bad for it all the time.
i struggle with a lot of guilt and shame that i really did ruin it and its because im not good enough after being blamed countless times by him. it’s just really hard for me not to reach out to him for comfort even after all he’s put me through. i miss who i thought he was and i lost a huge part of my life that i’ve had for the last three years.
i think i just need some people to talk to and be there for me kind of in his place. he has all the people in his AA group but i have one friend and my family aren’t people i can count on. i really don’t want to reach out to him again but i get really lonely sometimes and i just want to prevent that from happening again. i would love to be here for any of you beautiful people too. thank you for reading 🫶