I (31 F) have sort of come to the conclusion that it would be better for my mental health if I lower contact with my parents and family members. Long story short: I’m the youngest child, my older brother was my grandparents favorite, my mom is mentally ill (bipolar disorder), and my dad was gone for a lot of my childhood working. Most effort has gone to my brother and I’ve just been dealing my entire life. Unlike my brother no one taught me to drive, I didn’t get high school grad pics, no college tours, no big college graduation party. I’ve either just gone without or made it up on my own. I paid for my entire college myself (via loans and scholarships) and the one time I reached out to my parents for help to paying for school, they refused to co-sign a loan with me. My then boyfriend, now husband (32M) co-signed a private loan so I could finish school. I was sexually assaulted in college and when it finally came out (due to my grandmother saying some racist shit about my now husband), the reaction from my dad was why didn’t I tell him that had happened (while yelling) and I then had to go apologize to my grandmother for yelling at her (keep in mind that during that conversation. I politely asked her to stop and physically removed myself from the situation but she followed me and it all came out before I literally ran out of the house). I was never offered therapy or anything just sort of had to pretend it didn’t happen. My parents never visit me but visit my brother who lives hours away all the time. At one point I lived an hour from them and they visited once. I moved to another state 4 years ago and they haven’t been to visit once. My brother lives further away and mom is visiting right now. I’m finally starting to do things with my appearance that make me happy and the reaction from my dad/ grandma is that they hate it (and basically remind me every time they see me) and my mom says how she’s thinking of doing whatever bc dad’s reaction to me doing it wasn’t as bad as she thought it would be.
Other “fun” stuff:
– lost our home in middle school (have tried to talk to my parents about how that affected me and pretty much had to console my mom)
– had to take care of my grandparent while they were in the hospital (while working two jobs and going to college and caring for their animals. My parents were just in an adjacent state and realistically could have been there)
– constantly being my mom’s emotional support and knowing WAY too much about my parents’ relationship since a young age
– had to hear about how they would just get rid of my pet since the animal isn’t just easy to deal with and I’m a good pet parent (my coworkers have shown more support for me dealing with my pet’s medical issues than my family)
– constant body shaming for as long as I can remember
– being told when I got diagnosed as an adult with adhd that “I always thought you had that” by my mom (apparently my brother being diagnosed as a child was fine but wasn’t worth perusing for me). My anxiety was so bad in highschool two drs thought I had mono
– never telling my family I’m bi bc frankly I don’t want to deal with their bullshit
Anyway I decided to basically just lower contact a month ago. It took them two weeks to realize that I hadn’t been messaging them (keep in mind I checked in on them weekly and messaged them almost daily). I feel like I would be less stressed if they just never reached out. I could say fuck it and move on. Now I’m in the awkward spot where an apology won’t fix all that shit and talking to them will result in me consoling them and telling them it’s all right (I know this bc that’s what has happened in the past). It took me YEARS to accept that while my family isn’t outright malicious, they should have/ could have done better. Anytime I’ve talked to my brother about this stuff, he makes excuses or tries to tell me he had it worse (this isn’t a pissing contest and I’ve never tried to make it one)
Honestly I’d be less distressed if they just stopped talking to me (and yes I’m in therapy). I have a lovely found family with my friends and hubby and my pet. Idk what I’m asking for exactly.