Hi everyone, I’ve never really written about personal things publicly on the internet before, but I really don’t know where else to turn. I’m feeling incredibly lost in my life right now. I’ve been confused for a while, I don’t have many friends, and the ones I do have, I don’t feel like I really have anymore. I’m 21 years old, from Slovakia, and I’m studying at university. I always wanted to go to university, I was looking forward to it, but I’ve realized it’s not what I imagined. I’m not enjoying it at all; classes are boring, I don’t want to be there, I’m not interested in what I’m learning. Honestly, I want to leave, but I can’t because of my parents; they don’t even want to hear about it. I had a boyfriend, it was complicated, and we broke up because I cheated on him. I was talking to another guy, which he didn’t allow. (This topic is really complicated to explain, so I’ll just say that what I did was really awful, and I shouldn’t have done it. Also, I want to mention that I wasn’t completely satisfied with our relationship, and I had been considering breaking up. He found out himself, and we broke up, even though I feel bad about it, but the breakup didn’t affect me much – I was more upset that he was sad and suffering. – We were together for almost 5 years, but it wasn’t the same from my side, and it really affected him). But that’s not the main reason I’m writing. What surprised me more was the reaction of our mutual friends. He decided to message them on Discord, saying he was leaving the server because I cheated on him. I was fine with that, but they started asking and messaging me to confirm if it was true. Of course, I didn’t want to deal with it, as I believe private matters should remain private. Then I got banned, and when I contacted a friend who owned the server, I was told I got banned because they didn’t want to deal with or hear about the breakup stuff. I understand that and immediately assured him that I didn’t even plan to do anything like that. Then he said we couldn’t talk anymore – without a proper reason why. When I continued messaging him, I found out he banned me from our private conversations too, so I asked another friend to just pass on a message. He didn’t respond, so I think he banned me too. And almost everyone left our common Instagram group. I replied to another message, asking what’s going on, and when I asked him why he behaved like the others, I got the response, and I quote: “If I acted like them, you would’ve banned me a long time ago xD.” At that moment, I realized I don’t have any friends anymore; everyone turned their backs on me because of something that doesn’t really concern them. It saddens me deeply because just a few weeks ago, I told them I love them and that I finally feel like I have friends. But apparently, they weren’t really friends. I don’t know if they were just with me because of my ex, or if it’s because of what happened between us. But I didn’t expect it to end like this between us. Sorry, it’s so long. I don’t know what to do now. I’m the kind of person who’s afraid of being alone, not just in relationships but also with friends. I’ve never had friends, and I don’t think I’ll have any now. It’s very hard for me to meet new people. I’m alone, and I feel like everything I touch, I ruin. I’m not successful in life, in any aspect. I feel like just giving up and not being here anymore, but I’m afraid to do it.I really don’t know what to do; friends meant a lot to me. I feel very down, and I can’t imagine going through the whole summer alone. Whether physically or online, without friends. I feel like I can’t handle it, and I’ll go crazy. I’m extremely scared of that. And when I realize that no matter how exams at university turn out, I’ll have to go back there again in September, it’s terrible. On the other hand, when I think about doing something else instead (which won’t happen because of my parents), it’s also terrible. I don’t even know what I need in life to truly feel inner happiness. I always mess everything up. I’m super depressed about it. But if someone has read this far, I’d appreciate any feedback or maybe a message if someone could advise me or talk to me if they’re going through something similar and feeling devastated. Thank you. It was kind of nice to open up like this.
