I understand that I’m now in a stage of life where interest in my own life from others is fading, and any issues I encounter are to be managed by myself and with support of professionals. However, I’m 41 and am desperately trying to hang onto life, but my grip is almost gone. As my mental health and life fall apart, I reach out here to strangers for anything that can fill my cup even a little.
Over the last 12 years or so, I’ve gradually and consistently been declining and have struggled to gain positive traction. I know something is wrong, and I know I have deficiencies in several ways — emotional regulation, positive thinking, executive functioning, and an overall lack of resilience. My self-esteem continues to erode, and it’s destroyed intimacy with my spouse, so much so that we’ve only had intercourse once in the last year. I don’t feel joy, or happiness, and has sex has become a stressful engagement for me as I feel a deep sense of inadequacy and stress associated with it. Medications have also made my sex drive worse. Sadness is the only emotion I feel comfortable in.
I began having suicidal ideations 7 years ago, and with the help of my spouse, spoke with a GP and ultimately a psychiatrist to find medicinal support. I’ve spoken with therapists over the years, ultimately realizing that physical and emotional abuse I experienced as a child have contributed to my current state, but I cannot move beyond my current mental state.
My spouse is so frustrated with me that she’s started physically hitting me, and it’s continued to get progressively worse. We are both struggling so much personally — her for similar but also other reasons. I am employed, and have always been able to maintain my job (no firings or even layoffs).
I have struggled so much to find a doctor, talk with a professional, and ultimately dig myself out of my hole. I don’t feel as if I have much time left, and so desperately want to stick around for my son.