I have an ex who I still care for. I don’t know if I love him, but I still think of him. I don’t have a logical reason to why I think of him fondly. I’m aware that he’s a nobody, and that he’s a douchebag. He treated me like I wasn’t that important to him. He left me on his birthday. While we dated, he sexually assaulted me. When I confronted him over text, the next morning, at school, in front of everyone he thought it would be fine to belittle me. He said “Don’t hound me for my mistakes. Dont make what I did sound like THAT.” That was a couple of months after he left me. I didn’t know how bad what he did to me was at the time.
He didn’t feel like calling me, but didn’t care enough about our relationship to try everything. We both had communication errors. I broke down once and blocked him while I was still with him. Maybe it was because subconsciously I knew he was a problem, but I wasn’t perfect either. Our relationship was very reliant on sex. It was the peak of it. It was used as a makeup for our issues. Even after he left me he was jealous and condescending to me when he found out I was talking to someone new. I don’t understand why if he was willing to throw me away. Or why he still kept me close to him. I was all he had. He was a pos to everyone, but he made me believe it was “the world against me” kind of treatment they gave him.
He’s a narcissist. He’s self centered. He’s rude. I tried catching up with him a month ago and he didn’t even ask how I was. He didn’t care. We had a dry conversation and he blocked me like I was a weird dream. He meant so much to me. I was very close to him. I think me falling in love with who I thought he was has left me in denial. That I’ve blocked out shit. To this day I still would take care of him if he wanted me to. I’d hug him. It’s like I’m aware but I can’t care. I don’t know why. He used to be a street racer and the idea of him dying stresses me. I always wanted the best for him, and that’s where I go wrong. I can’t give the best for him. He causes so many of his problems. There’s nothing I can do. I like to see the good in people, and it’s gotten me hurt.