I’m hoping to find some people who experience something similar, because I never see people talking about it and I don’t know how to even start googling for something like this. all I get is shitty articles about how to cope with your intrusive thoughts and nothing actually useful. I just want to know I’m not the only one suffering this, ya know?
*small context: I have diagnosed autism, am 99% sure I also have adhd, idk about anything else*
so. I get violent intrusive thoughts a lot, especially when I’m anxious or stressed, but also sometimes when I’m otherwise fine but my brain is bored. stuff like stabbing, getting into accidents on purpose, sometimes sexual but not in a way I want or like, etc etc
I also have a very powerful and active imagination and have a pretty good and realistic “mind’s eye”. I can sometimes spend hours daydreaming scenarios. often it’s the same scenario in a loop but in a thousand little different ways as if I’m shooting a movie and they’re retakes.
sometimes, these intrusive thoughts turn into scenarios like that, and my brain will then spend ***hours*** making shit up that ranges from uncomfortable to incredibly distressing. sometimes it’s very gore-y and violent or body horror. I get this a lot when I’m panicking or at risk of having a meltdown and it always makes things *so much worse*.
I cannot consciously stop it. trying to stop it makes it worse. I can only hope to find something that distracts my brain enough that it focuses on that instead.
this shit is why I can’t engage with a lot of horror media because whatever gore-y or body horror things happen in there will then later show up in my thoughts to torture me. it’s not even just horror things. one time several years ago *I watched the garden hose blow up and explode and my brain made me imagine my own arteries blowing up like that for months*. I still get it sometimes.
when I told this to my old doctor he just told me to start doing “mindfulness” which.. wasn’t helpful lol. I plan to bring this up with the psychologist I’ll start seeing in about 2 weeks. but I’d just like to know if there’s others.