I have no highschool diploma, I have no friends, my older brother abuses and intimidates me daily as he has done all my life and my family protects him and I am supposed to let everything slide. The situation I am in and with my mental health I will never be able to amount to anything. I will never have a normal relationship with anyone because I'm so extremely scared of people my heart starts to race when someone tries to talk to me or if I'm in a situation someone might talk to me even to say hello but I so desperately want a connection with someone but my entire body just stops me from doing so. Sometimes I start to feel light headed when I'm surrounded by a lot of people I'll start to dissasociate I'll start to shake and sweat etc. so it's just extremely hard for me. I didn't finish highschool because I got bullied a lot and then eventually my friends started bullying me and I tried to talk to teachers and my parents about it and yet the school decided to do nothing about it and I eventually had to redo my grade and I can't remember exactly how it happened it's all a blur now but I dropped out with my parents support after that I went through multiple therapy programs even ones where you stay at the therapy place (Im not sure what they're called in english it's not my first language) and it's now been 6 almost 7 years since I dropped out but nothing worked. I've gone nowhere. I've tried to study again back in 2022 but after almost finishing my year my mental health became detrimental again and I got panic attacks again so I quit again and now I feel like such a big failure my whole family thinks I'm a failure which I am. Everything I tried to do I failed at. I used to love art but got told by my family that it won't make any money so to stop wasting my time on it. They told me that when I was around 10 years old. I often think about all of the times they corrected my behaviour and how now I have an extreme fear of making mistakes. I used to always believe in karma and that all of the bad stuff that happened to me throughout my childhood and teenage years would eventually balance out in my adulthood and that good things would come my way but I don't think they will. I feel like I was meant to die young and to be that kid who commited suicide that made the news and the example of why you should cherish life. I wish people cared but they don't and they haven't all my life. I wish I had someone that genuienely cared about me and someone who wanted the best for me. I don't think that person exists. I feel like it's only going to go more downhill from here and that the only escape I have is death. I want to die but not experience the pain that comes with it so I just keep on living. If I could press a button and kill myself without any pain I would've pressed it a long time ago. It's like I'm in limbo. Anyway, I just felt the need to shout this out into the world because I need to sort out my thoughts and this helped a little. Throwaway account btw. Thank you for reading and showing a little care, I hope great things come your way.
