I feel like I need to talk about this.
My Nan just died. I wasn’t there because they’re in England and we’re in Canada.
I have a feeling my mum is going to go over there when the funeral happens (at least I hope she does because she’s her mum.)
I’m trying not to get emotional about it but I can’t help it.
To imagine all the memories I’ve had with my Nan to them come to the conclusion that she is no longer here any more, it feels empty.
I can imagine her in that hospital bed, until she takes that last breath and then she’s no longer there any more. Just empty.
My Nan and grandad came over every summer for a week or two and we would go out and do things even if we’ve already done them before last summer.
I remember during one of there visits, my Nan started having problems with her leg, it would swell and she would have trouble walking.
Just went downhill from there.
And my mum couldn’t do anything to help because she’s all the way in another country. So I can’t imagine having to keep hearing that certain people involved in the medical field were being assholes, she wasn’t getting right care, she kept falling over, she kept getting worse. And my mum felt like shit not being able to do anything but listen to my grandfather struggle.
I don’t know. I don’t know how I’m going to help mum if I’m emotional myself.
I know this could sound shitty in a way but I am slightly, ever most slightly relieved that she is gone because that’s it. All the pain and suffering is over and it doesn’t string along family for thinking that she’s going to bounce back because that’s what doctors kept trying to do.
Whether or not they were being honest, I don’t know. But she wasn’t ever good, wasn’t ever taken seriously from what I was told when she first started having issues just given a drug to see if it would fix it and when it didn’t just put her on another. Until she was taking over 50 tablets a day (maybe even more) and just a few weeks ago the professionals thought to themselves “huh this seems kind of strange, were going to look and see if these medications are effecting one another?”
WHEN SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.
Seems so easy to be angry.
But anger never lasts and she’s gone now and I won’t have any new memories of her and I curse myself for not having a fantastic memory so that I can remember her more clearly.
Just no new memories to have. But she’s gone, she’s resting, all that pain isn’t going to bother her. Maybe if she’s a ghost (something my mum believes) maybe she’ll visit us.
I think I’m scared of confrontation as well, my neighbour died months ago, my mum’s, coworkers husband died months ago and my great grandmother (mum’s side) passed away too.
Seems like death is all around us at the moment.
I’m not so scared of confronting death but confronting the people it affects. I don’t know the right thing to say, maybe nothing at all but I don’t want to come off that I’m ignoring it because that’s hurtful.
Maybe I’ll never find the answer for it. Maybe that’s the point.
Thanks for reading.