About a year ago i was studying to get my drivers licence. I’m not a bright person so I studied hard. But I still had school so most of my days were just studying. After I failed the first time I started to feel such a huge pressure to not fail. I became so stressed with the idea to not fail, so I failed again
(I wanna add that during this time I did not know I had OCD which caused me to feel more stress than the average person, I just thought this was normal)
School was hard and this exam was hard and I started seeing this and started having delusion. I had a psychotic episode due to stress caused by OCD. I got my diagnosis and some meds that helped a little. I was severely depressed and thought my life wasn’t worth living couse I’m a failure.
Back to now, I’m better now and I’m studying for the driving exam again. Every time I try to study I feel the same way I did back then. I need to get this licence couse I got a job waiting for me during the summer break and I need to get the licence to get to my new school. My life revolves around me needing to not fail, couse if I do I cannot get an education. I am scared of having a psychotic episode again couse I know that I will kill myself if I do. I would rather die than to experience that again.
I’m trying to study but the stress brings back memories and flashbacks of me crying for my life couse I thought someone was going to kill me. I cannot do it, but I need to. My parents know about the issue but it’s not like they can actually know how it feels. I am so alone in this and everyone judges me for not having my licence yet. Every day I hear “when are you getting your licnece, yk u have to do it”.
Like it’s fucking easy. If I fail my education and future jobs is on the line. I don’t want to kill myself but if I fail what other option do I have? Live as a failure and never have a good job?