I’m 28 F dealing with depression, grief, and low self esteem. I don’t know what to tackle first.
6 months ago both of my grandparents, the two people closest to me, passed at the same time. Prior to their death was two months of taking care of them, in and out of hospitals waiting for the end.
I’ve struggled ever since, and things seem to be snowballing.
Everyone told me I would grow around the grief and that it would seem easier over time but it just seems to be getting harder. I haven’t been able to leave their house aside for obligations like work, major family events, etc. I’ve always considered myself a homebody, but now I rarely go out and do things unless I have to.
My depression is pretty bad and I just want to lay in bed most days. I’ve been eating like shit because I can’t really make myself go to the grocery store or cook. My hygiene is fine but I’ve gained somewhere around 20 pounds and it really hurts my self esteem. I live in a small town so another reason I don’t want to go out is because I’m afraid to see someone I know and have them say “have you seen her lately, she got fat”
My boyfriend had an honest conversation with me today because he is very worried about me and it really opened to eyes to the big picture. Im always thinking about each thing individually as it happens, but I was able to see from his point of view everything all at once and I feel terrible that he’s been struggling silently and felt so much pressure to keep me safe and happy. He told me today that my sadness is turning to anger, not at him but in general, and although I didn’t see it until now he is right. He has been wonderful to me through all of this and has been there to take care of me when I couldn’t take care of myself, but said he can’t keep helping me until I help myself, and I agree.
I want to get better, for me for him and for our future, but I don’t know where to start. It seems like so many things all at once.
I’ve struggled with depression for many years on and off but I grew up in a house where therapy was a big no, and talking about mental health was basically forbidden. Even as an adult I’ve had a really hard time getting over that. Generally, I am bad at asking for help.
The biggest change I would like to see in myself is how I deal with bad feelings and how to regulate my own emotions. I hope that if I can work on that, other things will fall into place, but maybe I’m wrong?
I don’t know what the first step is to getting better, but I know I need help.