I’m 26F, and it feels as though I have completely lost myself. I live alone and spend a lot of time alone. There is a lot of trauma in my past that I have been unable to work through, I feel guilty or ashamed of speaking about pain regarding my family and regret surrounding social decisions I made as a very young adult. As a young child, my father moved out of the country for a few years following my parents separation, this was also after my grandmother had attempted to take her own life after the arranged marriage of her eldest son dissolved. My mother packed up our home and moved within a month of telling us she was seeing somebody during my final year of high school, which resulted in me dropping out because I couldn’t show face at school without crying. I remember wondering as a child what it was like for the kids who went home to parents who wanted them around, who chose them. Growing up it was very clear than I was a burden 90% of the time unless I was contributing around the house, or for the 10% of time where maybe one of my parents felt like having fun, or if we were being shown off as accessories to a life that I otherwise sat on the shelf of. I grew up with no voice, no guidance and no one seeing me as a child, just simply there being kept alive. In order to escape the pain within my family I surrounded myself with the wrong influences and put my wellbeing at risk, feeling worthless I treated myself just the same, and that was my fault. My friendships fell apart because 1. I had changed and needed support 2. These were superficial relationships in the first place 3. I had fewer resources which quite literally meant I had nothing to offer these teenage friends. I smoked so much marijuana to self medicate and sedate myself because I came to feel like I just don’t matter, to anyone and I’m not sure I ever have, but I’d like to know what it’s truly like. I let men who I thought liked me take advantage of me because I used to be so open to love and connection that I didn’t know any better. Wondering now, after so many years of isolation how I can repair my relationship with people and find the good in order to form meaningful connections. I don’t remember what it feels like to feel safe around other people, to have the confidence to just be myself or speak of my curiosities and desires. I fear that if I get close to people something bad will happen.
How do you overcome these thought patterns to really believe in more and attract what you desire in life?