I’m sorry for the long post. I’m a 31 y/o female and I’ve often referred to myself as “straight, with some exceptions.” I have a diagnosis of bipolar 2, plus OCD (obsessive need to know/rumination/racing thoughts). I’ve had 3 severe episodes in my entire life (I’m currently in the 3rd) and each time, like clockwork, some woman just drops into my life that my obsessive brain just latches onto.
With the first two, I felt an instant connection upon meeting that sent me spiraling into a “what was that look?? / Was that flirting? / Am I insane? / Does she think about me the way I think of her?” thought loop. This spiral would have me crying all day everyday, wishing she was thinking about me, wondering if we were experiencing a connection so strong we were feeling each other’s emotions at the same time.
The worst part of this is I was right in the first 2 situations. Both times, these women eventually confessed to me that they were “obsessed” with me and thought about me all the time. We had flings that ended horribly because of the state I was in, and I ended up being hospitalized at the end of both.
So now cut to the current situation. My new fixation is this girl that works at a coffee shop and doesn’t speak great English, and is from a culture that does NOT fuck with homosexuality. Still, the thought process is the same and I’m thinking and reacting exactly the same. I’ve gotten looks and stares from her not customer service-related and I’m struggling to understand. But I have no choice but to accept that in this case I’ll probably never get confirmation. And it sounds insane but I can’t help but wonder what it is about me that women just want to target and step on me when I’m in a vulnerable state? Especially since my relationships with men are very healthy.
It’s also worth noting that my attraction to them is mostly emotional/romantic. I just want them to think about me all the time. Has anyone experienced anything similar? Am I really pathetic for this?