I’m 18f and struggling on the daily ruminating on what “could’ve been.” The past is on my shoulders. I heavily struggle with my mental health. A good day for me is feeling a sense of peace. My sexual traumas consist of so many things ages 6-16. I mean, going to therapy and letting everything out over and over again, being active, making new friends, trying new things, going to my parents, everything I’ve been doing for myself, it does not make me feel better. For a while it did. Knowing I have support, knowing my partner loves me, listens to me, stays patient with me through this process. Knowing I gathered both of my parents to ask for help, it all gave me encouragement to keep going. Of course because of my age and the recency of these events I don’t expect myself to be healed, and I have an understanding I’ll have my lows in this journey of mine but everyday hurts. I’m constantly hurting. Knowing there’s people out there, a family friend, hell, even strangers who have seen parts of me they shouldn’t have, It makes me wish I was someone else. I’ve changed so much then but it’s never enough. I’ve tried accepting things for what they were but I find myself reliving these experiences and it hurts. When I was ages 9 and 14 I did things I shouldn’t have. I experienced a lot of sexual frustration. I have to live the rest of my life remembering everything. Time has helped but I’m missing out on so much because of this. I didn’t become sexually active until I was 16 with my partner but even then I was not ready and reenacting. I’m 18 and my relationship with sex and topics alike is in shambles. That’s not something I want. My partner is more than okay excluding it out of our relationship to take care of each other putting my and his mental healths first (it’s not like we were that active anyway). I want to better myself and my relationship with sex. More so without the judgment of my own and others. Where do I start?
