I don’t talk about sexual assault in this, but since I talk about my messed up relationship with my sexuality, I didn’t know if it would be triggering for some people.
I’ve been doing well for a while now. I’m set to start college soon, I’ll have my driver’s license in the next few weeks, and I’ve been taking charge of my life. I’ve still had a lot of mental health struggles, but they haven’t interfered with my functioning for the most part. Well, yesterday I started to feel off. I had a therapy appointment, and it went well, but afterwards things just started to go downhill. I don’t understand why, but I suddenly starting thinking about all things that bother me. Normally I’m able to handle these sorts of things, but I couldn’t this time. I tried to distract myself by doing small things, but it wasn’t enough. This is where things get really disgusting and shameful. I tried to make myself feel better by masturbating. I don’t know why I thought that would work, logically I know I hate it and it always makes me feel worse. I wasn’t even feeling genuinely aroused since my antidepressants have killed my sex drive. I did it anyway, because it often feels compulsive. It’s like an addiction. I felt disgusting after, like some kind of perverted freak. My groin and legs actually hurt physically afterwards, maybe because my body wasn’t aroused enough. The negative emotions I have surrounding this are just too powerful and they won’t leave my head. I feel vile, gross, evil, and disgusting, disgusting a million times over. I don’t know how to describe this feeling in words. It’s like a unique emotion I only get after doing anything sexual. I can’t shake these feelings, even though it was yesterday. I always get these feelings after being sexual, but usually it isn’t this bad. After all this, I couldn’t sleep, and I stayed up until after 1:00 AM, even though I knew it was a bad idea. Today has been hard. I have things to do, but I feel so overwhelmed, I don’t know if I can do them. It all feels like too much. All of this is making me feel terrible because I was just talking with my psychiatrist about weaning off my meds. I want to be off them because of emotional blunting, but if my emotions weren’t blunted for this, how bad would I have gotten? I also hate that it’s killed my sex drive. I hate everything sexual, but at the same time I want my sex drive back, probably because I’m some kind of perverted freak. This is all so much and it’s only a fraction of the thoughts racing through my head. I don’t even know why I’m sharing this, I don’t know what I expect to find here. Thanks for reading.