Hi everyone,
I (M/28) just want to share something personal about me. I am not even sure where I stand. Me and my girlfriend (F/27) have been together for 8 years now.
It wasn’t always easy since she is hard to open up to someone new. I am her first partner.
We have been living together for 5 years now almost.
There was ups and downs in the relationship itself. But since 4 years ago since she graduated Uni everything kind of changed. The relationship went to the extreme, it is either very happy or very sad. She couldn’t find work for a year and finally good a job that slowed kills her deep inside.
Last year I nearly died due to sickness and she helped me get back to my feet. She had to balance between her job, me and her mental state which worsen due to additional family problems. a couple of weeks after I manage to survive my sickness and starting recovery, she decided to quit due to work abuse and stress as mentioned before. So I decided to quickly get back to work since we will need the money. And so I did.
Sometime after that she struggled with finding a new job and lost her purpose quickly which leads to a critical depression state with a lot of episodes. I tried my best to support and keep things stable. But I am only a human and of course makes mistakes which leads to her exploding within seconds.
I convinced her to go to therapy, and she finally did. It seemed to be a progress after sometime because the frequency decreases.
The problem is only every time she explodes it is either she left the house and I have to worry where she went and if she is not in danger or I have to leave and wander around the streets while still having to go to the office tomorrow. I suffered also professionally due to this. Lost a lot of self esteem and couldn’t differentiate if I am in the wrong or she is just not being rational.
It has been almost a year now that I covered all her basic needs and could barely save some money for us.
Today she had her episode again and I am on the streets. I really couldn’t make it into sense.
Is this her Metal illness or is it just her? Did I do something wrong or is she just being irrational? For example she demanded that I help with house chores on working hours. Cooking for her during working hours. And I do help with house chores and cook for her. It is just I couldn’t do it within working hours. She does all this anyway saying that she needs to because she doesn’t contribute financially. But I never asked her and always try my best to come home early. But she still demand me to do the same.
I am in a state where I don’t know what is going on in my life. My best isn’t my best. I am wrong all the time. I should help when I can, but I also can’t do it myself.
Sorry for venting out. I cannot explain this to any friends or anyone. Because they don’t understand and I also have less friends due to the caretaker role.
I do really love and I am committed to help her. But somedays I am just shaken and couldn’t stand on my feet. And got no one to lean on.
Sorry. Thank you.