Hello reddit,
I am a 24(F) married to my beautiful husband (27M), we are soon to be celebrating our 1st wedding anniversary. We are living as a couple, no in-laws in picture. The issue that I am facing is inability to communicate with him, at all. From small shit like breaking a teacup to big blunders like accidentally swallowing a few droplets of phenyl to issues in my life like contemplating leaving the professional exam for which I have been preparing for since I was 16 (I am at the last level).
To give you some context of our upbringing, he is a very bright guy raised by a full time teacher, while I grew up in an orthodox joint Indian Hindu Family. I have been having on and off crush on him since I knew what love is. I have always felt alone, as a sole child out of 6 who was bright enough to be set as an example for other siblings. The expectations were set so high that I became a toxic perfectionist. Those expectations were carried forward when I selected India’s one of the toughest exams, CA, out of whim (because I originally wanted to become a doctor but family refused, and tgis course was the only thing I knew about). I somehow cleared all the levels except last level (due in this November).
Since last few months, I have not been able to study for god knows why, and as a result, that perfectionist brain has started kicking me left right and centre, telling that I can’t do this anymore, it’s best if I don’t waste anyone’s resources. Everyone has wrong expectations out of me which I don’t deserve. All of this conflict and I am unable to utter even a single word when my husband asks about it. He is a sweet gentleman who has never raised his voice not alone thinking of lifting a finger to hit me. I love him so much but it sometimes feels like he deserves someone who is confident and happy, not me who shuts up everytime a hard question is asked (it’s like I’m not supposed to feel this emotional, and I am, and I’m unable to do anything about it).
I just want to open up and talk about my struggles but due to fear of hurting him in the process, I am not able to. Please suggest me a way out as he too is nearing his wit’s end.