Apologies in advance, this turned out longer than i thought it would.
Hi all, I’m looking for a certain kind of therapy / therapist… But I’m not really sure what I’m looking for? I have seen 5 different therapists over the last few years and I don’t feel that any of them have been very beneficial. I have tried giving them all a chance (except one that I didn’t vibe with) by seeing them for at least 3 months each but to no avail. I understand that this is not a lot of time, but I don’t think just sitting and talking about my feelings / problems is the right kind of help for me, but on the other hand I’m not sure what is.
I have been depressed for over a decade and it just keeps getting worse. I can fake it and throw a smile on when around others but inside I’m just fucking dead. I know that talking to friends about it would be the logical thing to do, but when I’ve tried this in the past all I get is “you just need to get laid” or “just go to the gym bro that will fix everything”. Neither of those are the case and it just makes me feel worse. Then I feel like whoever I talked to about it treats me differently, weather that’s true or not. My brain works in the worst way possible and I always assume whatever the most negative scenario is must be reality.
I feel so fucking stupid all the time, but I also feel smarter than a lot of people in a lot of scenarios. I have zero motivation and can’t even get out of bed on days that I don’t work, I will lie there and let my thoughts consume me, feeling like a piece of shit for not getting out of bed, but still not doing anything about it. I’ve tried picking up old and new hobbies but nothing interests me any more. The only time I ever feel good about myself is when I’m helping other people, but no one comes to me any more because I’ve alienated myself and won’t see / talk to anyone unless they ask for help. Even with people I’ve known my whole life and say they love me, I feel awkward and stupid around them, never have anything to say, either from fear of sounding stupid or having an absolutely terrible memory. I know I have to reach out to people and try to reestablish all the friendships I’ve lost but I feel so fucking worthless I don’t know why anyone would waste their time on me. I don’t feel anything any more, I’m just an emotionless useless blob who goes to work, comes home and hates his live, even though I have it so much better than so many people. I hate saying I’m depressed because I feel like that’s just an excuse for me being useless and not doing the things that I know I should but I don’t know what else to do.
Does anyone have any suggestions in regards to therapy or things that helped them get through when they were at their lowest? Because I can’t keep fucking living this way.