How do I genuinely stop trying to assassinate my own relationships? I have friendships that are finally making me happy after losing so many, but I mentally want to hurt them so badly. I want to make loving me difficult. I want them to go away. I want to block them and disappear. I want to use them and toss them away. I view them almost as lesser than me, and I don't know why. I know it's bad, so I'm obviously not doing it; but I know it's influencing how open I am or how confident I act. I feel too manual with their emotions; as if I'm responding to appease their feelings because I know that's what works, rather than responding to care. But I DO care, I know I care. I know I don't want to hurt anyone, but how do I stop? Is this a symptom of something worse? I feel dissociated from myself and them; as if I'm some superior being and I can bend them to love me and I can bite into them and eat them alive because they DO love me; but I care. I want to care, I want to let them see me.
What's wrong with me? How do I stop this while I'm not even acting on it? I feel awful, I just want to have friends rather than feeling like I own them and can manipulate them as some playthings.
