To make this easy to understand im a 25 years old trans woman. When i was a kid i was always different i preferred the stereotypical girly toys and i always made friends with other girls. As i grew up my family was telling me to try to make friends with boys and stop being feminine.
If i was laughed at school for being my self my parents instead of defending me and teaching me to be true to my self or how to stand my ground and not care about others opinions they would tell me that is because im acting like a girl that other students mainly boys were laughing at me.
This went on until 15 when i came out to my family during that time until i got accepted my them i was always told no one would love me if i transitioned and if i got with a man he would leave me eventually because im never gonna be like all the other women , that people will laugh at me in public, that ill never be respected and will always be known as THE TRANSVESTITE of our town.
Slowly my mum accepted me and convinced my dad to sign the papers so i can start hormones at 17 despite no one else in the family being accepting. My dads first reaction when he saw me i female clothing is that i look like a clown.
My grandad said that he will shoot me if he saw me with female clothes.
I don’t know how to live life not caring about what others think. Im always anxious in public and have low self esteem because i feel like people will laugh at me despite the fact that most people cannot tell im trans. This has impacted my dating life and me working or even doing as something simple as going to the grocery store. Even picking an outfit for the day my brain automatically thinks what would others think if i was seen dressed like this or like that.
I had a 4 year relationship 3 years ago and when we broke up it felt like all what my family said got confirmed and that is true. The same goes for when i sometimes have men who know im trans laugh at me with their friends because they ” clocked ” me or they found out by word of mouth.
I just wanna live life and enjoy life now that i have transitioned and my family accepted me but im stuck in this mental hell and sometimes i just wish i didn’t exist because i can’t get out.
Any advice is appreciated.