Just a rant I guess?
I did the classic teen eating disorder with a side of self harm because I was very original /s. Around that time (12/13) I got heavily into goth culture and apparently it wasn’t just a phase cos at the age of 31, here I am still applying eyeliner with a trowel.
I got over the ed and sh by the time I was 17. Kinda. I had a relapse 2 years ago where I lost 5 stone in 7 months and kept locking myself in the bathroom to take a kitchen knife to my thighs. Wild how nearly 2 decades later I hadn’t learnt any new coping mechanisms but he we are. The day I found out I was pregnant I’d actually hit a weight loss milestone. I joyfully hopped off the scales, did the pregnancy test and my world changed forever. I couldn’t quit my bullshit for myself but I could do it for my son. It was like a switch flipped. My son needed me to eat so I did. I told myself I wasn’t going to undo the weight loss but I hadn’t realised how incredibly hungry being pregnant makes you!!
I’m not able to moderate. At all. The instant I start trying to just eat healthily a horrible little voice pops up telling me “you know a faster way of doing this…” As a result, unless I’m relapsing I just eat whatever the hell I want. Because that voice scares me. More than anything it scares me how much I want to give in to it. As a result, I’m fat. Not ed fat. Medically obese. Trying to dress goth while being fat is rough. My makeup is on point but I just can’t present how I want to because no one wants to look at lacey mini skirts, fishnets and goth boots on a fat fuck. Least of all me. It really fucks with my anxiety that I can’t dress how I want but I cope, just about.
A close friend asked me to be a bridesmaid. I’ve just tried on the dress and I’m crying. It’s sky blue which obviously is not a colour I would ever wear but the problem is the material. It’s SO clingy. It hugs every revolting bulge. I’ve been feeling like relapsing for a while and this was the final straw. But I can’t.
Fun fact. Losing huge amounts of weight in a short time and pregnancy are major risk factors for gallstones. Which is why, 3 weeks after my son was born I was hunched over the bath in the middle of the night in unimaginable pain waiting for an ambulance. My son was an emergency c section and we both very nearly died but I promise you this pain was worse. Happened 3 more times until I did my own research and told my GP what was going on.
My son is 14 months old and the gallstones attacks have stopped because I’ve put back on all the weight I lost before pregnancy. If I lose so much as a few pounds it comes back. I’m on a waiting list for surgery but it’s about a year until I’ll get it. It’s the only thing stopping me relapsing. I can’t lose weight healthily. I just can’t. I want to give in to that voice too badly.
So I’m stuck in this hideous body until surgery. I want nothing more than to take control and fix this body but the gallstone pain was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. Once I’ve had the surgery I know I’ll go nuclear with the weight loss. And I can’t fucking wait.