Ive been trying to figure wtf is wrong with me for a while now and honestly i cant seem to come up with a definitive answer, or at the very least have been able to discern if theres anything else going on. Just to preface i have been officially diagnosed with ODD, autism, DMDD, and ADHD. Ive never really felt like i fit in anywhere which i know isnt necessarily bad and i do understand that everyone is weird but ive just felt different, at least fundamentally. Wondering why i was louder, messier, just more offbeat. I generally dont care of how people think of me and ive always just kind of been socially untuned. With that i can be badly behaved, especially when i was a kid. Ranging from ourtbursts, being disruptive, yelling, storming out of classes, or just flat out shutting down has just just always been an issue of mine. Ive always just never kept my hands to myself and flat out misbehaved. Like i said before i was diagnosed with ODD when i was a little kid so it wasn’t a mystery of what i had that makes me act out or be misbehaved, Ive just never understood why if that makes sense.. it wasnt like ive had a hard life. Theres stuff that has happened to me and maybe some of it has had an impact but i mostly have had a normal childhood. Its just that ive been wired different. It got to the point was to the point where i had to take classes where they would read out these cards to me of social situations/queues so i could practice. i dont know what thats specifically called so ill just call it that. Its like im an alien?? Like i don’t understand how people work. Like im oblivious to how people interact. Which youd think with that issue id be quieter,, but im really not. I really just do things :/ and ive always been kind of absent-minded or just flat out stupid. But i know im not stupid its just that sometimes i geniuenly dont think at times for some reason. I seriously dont know why im like this, i know some of the choices i make are at some point on me but im just inherently odd. I have a few friends, but sometimes it feels like im disconnected. Its not that im lonely its more just the feeling of it. What is going on mentally?? I don’t understand, i don’t understand anything. I can barely function. Am i self-absorbed? Is it NPD? Am i a sociopath?!? Ive always been concerned that it was in fact a developing case of NPD but i have no clue because for one im a minor (16) and i cant exactly get any diagnostics until then. Even then, could it turn into something worse if i dont get it checked out? Do i even have anything to worry about at all?:/ i really dont know. All that im really sure of is that my dads pretty much the exact same. At the very least i dont beat women nor am i violent, but in some aspects the apple doesn’t fall very far from the tree. so are all of his other kids, including my siblings. Its to the extent that my brother(only calling him my brother because he was related to me, he was never present in my life) was a literal serial killer. Im not going to give any details because its graphic and in all honesty, It haunts me just to think that i happen to be related to such a sick individual. because of what he’s done and how many people he’s hurt, ive always just felt this sense of dread that there can be a possibility i can have that somehow suppressed in me, which i know its not how it works but it just keeps me awake at night having that thought. Ive never had antisocial tendencies, or at the very least ive never considered it antisocial.. but ive just had this sense of guilt. Its not to the point where it makes me want to kill myself, but it just makes me think how easier it would be for everyone to just know that i dont exist. Ive just felt like a burden. it scares me sometimes cause i really dont know how it can manifest if i do have ASPD/NPD because i know that can happen for people thatve been diagnosed with ODD. But i dont think im a bad kid. Ive never really broke the law, besides shoplifting a bit but its never been an issue. I have nobody to really talk to about this ive never once in my life posted on reddit. Idk Maybe im just overthinking it or maybe i am really crazy:/
