This is all just nonsense rambling and venting if your actually going to read this
It feels like too much is happening even though I live like a normal life for a teenager. I go to school and barely work and have freinds but I’m tired of everything. I absolutely hate work despite working so little. I feel that everyone sees me as weird and am constantly worried about what people think and go over awkward encounters and snorkel social encounters over and over again in my head. I don’t really know what to call this but I have a habit of running into people going to opposite direction of me and I don’t know why but it keeps happening. I find it difficult to coordinate where to go with a lot of people blocking and shifting where they are going. I feel like I never act “right” or how everyone else would act. It’s difficult for me to talk to strangers and start/maintain conversations, even when I conversation goes well I think about it over and over and think. I hate telling people to move when I need them too(especially at work) so a lot of the time I’ll end up doing circles around where I need to go or going and doing something else untill they move on their own. I hate seeing freind groups in classes where I don’t have a freinds becuase it makes me feel like everyone is judging me and thinks I’m a loser for not having one. Almost all of my freinds that I talk too after school nowadays are all online freind who make me so much happier than anyone I talk to at school) and I feel that that makes me a loser and my family judges me for it. I’m afraid of taller and louder guys becuase(even though this never happens anymore, at least not to the extent it used too) those types used to tease and pick on me a lot a couple years ago. Even the people I consider freinds or am freindly with, I feel like a lot of them don’t see me as a person of value or see me as weak. Some of them will make comments to tease me or make fun of me for stuff other people in the group have also done. I know my dad loves me but for some reason feel as though my dad hates me and wishes I was a normal boy or whatever depsite him seeming like the exact opposite of that kind of person. I find it difficult to keep up with my school work and projects despite getting basically none at all. On top of all of this I’m a closeted trans girl and I know that if I ever come out I will loose what little I have and I’m afraid that even if I do transition it will not help or fix my previously mentioned social problems. I want to see a therapist but for some reason I am terrified of it and I don’t know what to do and have a hard time picturing a timeline where things go smoothly in the future and I don’t know what to do. I’m not a depressed person but I am extremely extremely anxious.